I had won.
And I wasn't the least bit happy. Far from it—the time after winning was much harder to bear.
Because—winning meant I now had to decide what to do with the losers.
I had won at Ino. My brother Nobukatsu, Hayashi Hidesada, and Shibata Katsuie had all fled into Suemori Castle.
My retainers spoke up one after another.
"My lord. You should seize this chance, attack Suemori, and strike down Lord Kanjuro."
"To leave alive those who raise rebellion is to sow the seeds of future calamity."
"Unless the heads of Shibata and Hayashi are taken as well, there will be no example made."
They were right. It was the ordinary logic of the warring age. Those who rebel are struck down. That is what it means to be lord of the house.
But I—
I didn't want to kill my brother. If I could get away without killing, I didn't want to kill. Even someone who had turned his blade on me. Even if it went against the ways of the warring age. I had had enough of killing people. It hadn't been long since Masahide's death. The pain of that night of sobbing was still lodged in my bones.
I didn't want to kill anyone else. Least of all my own flesh and blood.
"...What am I supposed to do?"
Alone, I clutched my head. Kill him, and things would be easier. The house would unite. But my heart wouldn't survive it. Don't kill him, and someday he might turn his blade on me again. But even so—
It was while I was torn like that. Mother appeared before me.
Lady Dota. The mother who had always kept me at arm's length. That mother, in front of me,
bowed her head.
"Kazusa-no-suke."
I felt as if I were hearing Mother's voice call me that for the first time. Usually she wouldn't even meet my eyes.
"Kanjuro's life, at least. The lives of Shibata and Hayashi, at least. I beg you, spare them. I ask it of you, thus."
Mother placed both hands on the tatami. And bowed low before me.
I—
Seeing her like that, something deep in my chest clenched tight. Mother was bowing her head. My proud mother. To the likes of me.
—Ah.
Not once had Mother ever bowed her head for my sake. Not when I was laughed at as a fool. Not when the house was on the verge of giving up on me. She had only ever passed me by with cold eyes.
And now she was bowing her head. For my brother. Not for me—for my brother.
Even so—even so, I was glad. Mother had asked something of me. Even if it was only out of love for my brother. For the first time in my life, Mother was relying on me.
And more than anything, this meant I wouldn't have to kill my brother. Since Mother had asked. With Mother's plea as a just cause, the retainers would let me spare him. I wouldn't have to kill my brother.
"...As you wish."
I nodded to Mother.
"If that is what you say, Mother. I will spare Kanjuro's life. Shibata and Hayashi, too, I will leave unpunished."
Mother's head came up with a start. For just an instant, something like disbelief crossed her eyes. That fool of an elder brother, pardoning the younger?
I said nothing more. What I really wanted to say was this:
Mother. I just don't want to kill my brother. It isn't because you asked. I don't want to kill anyone anymore.
But I couldn't say it. If I did, my voice would shake again. The tears would spill out. So I only gave a short nod. And that "shortness," once again, got twisted on its way around.
"Our lord pardoned the brother who rose in rebellion without so much as twitching an eyebrow."
"He crushes a foe twice his number, and then, with the ease of the victor, spares even the enemy's generals... What unfathomable magnanimity."
"Nay, that was deep calculation. Strike the brother down now, and the house splits. Spare him, put him in his debt, and later bend him to his will—such must be the Demon King's deep design."
No.
I just didn't want to kill my brother. I just couldn't refuse Mother's plea. It wasn't magnanimity, or calculation. It was kindness, and weakness. And yet everyone reads it as the composure of a Demon King.
I no longer had the energy to correct them. I only wished, in my heart:
Please. Let this be the end of it.
Let me never have to cross blades with my brother again.
But.
My wish
did not come true.