Swaying on horseback, I regretted every step.
Why had I come out? Even the momentum from wolfing down that rice in hot water had gone stone cold in the saddle. The pit of my stomach felt heavy as lead.
I wanted to turn back. I wanted to go home to Kiyosu right now. See Kicho's face, crawl into a warm bed, and make this whole day never have happened.
But with every step forward, Kiyosu drew further away. One escape route after another vanished behind my back. The further I went, the deeper I was carrying myself into the place where I would die.
Through the darkness before dawn, I rode with a mere handful of men.
The dark scared me. For as long as I could remember, darkness had been my enemy. The shadows of the trees, every bend in the road, all of them looked as if they were hiding an assassin. Even the sound of a hoof striking a stone made my shoulders jump.
On the way, I stopped at Atsuta Shrine. In front of the shrine, I pressed my hands together desperately.
Please. I beg you. Please let me live. I don't want to die. Please let me get back to Kicho safely.
Gods, Buddhas, it didn't matter which. At this point, I'd cling to anything I could. I didn't pray for something as grand as fortune in battle. I just wanted to come home alive. That alone, I prayed for, practically grinding my forehead into the ground.
That was what I kept praying, in my heart. Like a child clinging to a parent.
My retainers, seeing me like that, said this:
"Our lord places his trust in the will of the gods."
"Heaven is on our side. Look how steady his back is."
How could it possibly be steady?
My back was shaking the whole time I prayed. Only my armor kept anyone from seeing it.
Some way after we left Atsuta, the sky suddenly clouded over.
And then—a downpour came.
Rain came slanting in sideways, pounding down on us. Even the rump of the horse ahead of me blurred into white and disappeared. The ground turned to mud, and the horses' legs kept getting caught. Cold rain ran down the back of my neck. It soaked in through the gaps in my armor.
There was even thunder. That ground-shaking sound should have had me shrinking into myself. But this time alone, it was different. Even so, I felt a strange relief.
In this rain. No matter how badly I shook, the rain would hide it, and nobody would notice. Whether it was cold sweat or rain, I couldn't even tell anymore myself.
It was as if heaven itself were hiding my trembling with the rain. If nothing else, I was grateful for that.
How far had we gone? Suddenly, one of the scouts riding ahead wheeled his horse and came galloping back.
"I must report. The Imagawa headquarters... Yoshimoto's headquarters is right there, close at hand."
My heart leapt. The blood drained from my face. The feeling slipped right out of my fingertips.
Right there. Right under my nose was the great daimyo leading twenty-five thousand men. I wanted to run. I wanted to wheel my horse around this instant and gallop back the way I'd come through the rain.
But there was no retreating now. My way back had long since disappeared behind the rain.
It was as if heaven itself were hiding my trembling with the rain. And beyond that rain—was the Imagawa headquarters.